Some of us adoptive parents have a much better grip on adoption ethics than others. Some of the others just aren't educated, and some ignore ethics, whatever. I don't want to talk about them much, but just admit they exist.
Not to sound arrogant, but I think I've got a pretty good handle on adoption ethics. I'm willing to, and HAVE, worked hard to make sure that our adoptions are handled as ethically as I can. If I see a woman who is making an adoption plan who can parent, I tell her she can do it. Offer her support. If I see a woman who can't, I try and back off and stay neutral. I believe that biological ties are strong and that many women who place shouldn't and that some who should don't, and ultimately the choice isn't mine.
But my question is, should people like me who have a good handle on the ethical aspect of it get back in the game. Mind you I'm not planning on doing a normal domestic adoption ever again. I don't ever want to make up a profile, wait on lists, impress a mom etc... I don't know if I have the stomach for it, but hypothetically.
A mom who I admire greatly is currently matched and waiting on #2 to be born. She has the same ethical mindset as I do.
She is a great mom, and works within the system to make sure as much as she can that her kids were adopted ethically. That is great.
But many of us who get the pitfalls have been turned off to it. We don't want to do it again, we are gun shy, scared, sad, hurt, worried, etc...
Yet we would also work to preserve the rights of any woman we were matched with.
Often they would place anyway, with families that may not be ethical, or care as much about natural connections between mother and child. Would it be better if more of us were going back into the system, with our concerns and everything? Should we be putting ourselves back in a corrupt system? Not only to be parents again, but to help safeguard families?
I'm not thinking of throwing myself back into adoption land the same way. If a private situation came up, like what happened with Punky, we would be open to that, but following it in the same manner that we did with Punky.
I don't know, I just wonder I guess.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
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11 comments:
What are your thoughts on adopting older kids. I mean, children whose parents have tried to parent, but have proven themselves unable to do so (for a variety of possible reasons.) Just curious...I mean, not all adoptees are babies.
We totally plan on adopting from the foster care system at some point in time. Not for a while though, due to military issues.
I think the families who are committed to ethical adoptions and who value the biological connections are the ones who should be adopting domestically.
perhaps you should be WORKING in adoption??
no working :) I've got enough on my plate as a SAHM, no desire to work outside the home
I question the same thing. We don't want any more children at this time, so I don't really have to worry about it. I still ponder it, though, and wonder what I would do. I emailed you yesterday with something that relates. I'm turned off by it. By the whole thing. I have a hard time thinking that I could do it again, even if I wanted to. Maybe I could. I just wrote all this to say I don't know.
I've wondered the same thing. I am not saying that I am God's gift to first parents, but I DO honor my commitments, and I am dedicated to ethics and openness...What if a woman that is going to place "anyway" places with a family that doesn't have this mindset?
....I wonder....
I don't know if it is a question of being needed or not...maybe. What is needed is for everyone participating in the system to get their act together and do the right thing.
I suppose my hope is that when people like the family you mentioned try to do the right thing, that it has a ripple effect beyond just the single adoption they're a part of. But in general, I am one who believes in working with the system for change (whether it's the Church, politics, etc.). I think there is more power in that than in separating oneself. Our own decision to do this all again wasn't a decision we made lightly. We opted for taking on the ethical issues we thought we understood instead of tackling a new set of issues in a different type of adoption. I can understand those who conclude that they can no longer participate in the infant adoption system because it's too broken. I really, really can. I've tottered on the edge myself. I hope they will at least try to understand my position, as well.
I struggle with this question a lot.
I think that having people working within a system for change is extremely valuable. It's what I do in the mental health world.
On the other hand, I also experience, daily, the frustration of the limitations put on me by working within that system. People without ties can be much more vocal, more honest, more "on fire" about the need for change.
I disagree (respectfully) with Heather that working within the system is the most effective way to change a system. Martin Luther King Jr. sure didn't work within the system, did he? He damn sure separated himself! And what about Abraham Lincoln? The first president with the guts to just say "Okay that's it, no more slavery, period." Certainly didn't try to work within the system to improve slaves lives! (Okay I know there are seriously different issues in that example... notably that slavery is inherently wrong, whereas rasing another person's child is NOT inherently wrong... but still. Point is, I think isolating ourselves from terrible systems CAN produce change.)
Now. All that being said. It IS people like you who will be most helpful to INDIVIDUALS--to moms bound and determined to relinquish no matter what. Yeah, my heart breaks thinking about some of the aparents some women will get matched with. Aparents like you (and others here) would be SO much better for those women (and their children--the adoptees).
But... but... I don't know. I think larger scale change is better served by working outside the system. I do.
Either way... is it wrong to adopt? Not IMO, if it is done ethically.
But stomaching it? Stomaching even an ethical infant adoption? Whole 'nother ball of wax. I certainly couldn't stomach it, ever.
So whatever someone decides... I don't think it's a wrong or right type issue... it's a gray area (again, assuming the adoption is ethical. If it's unethical, it's wrong of course.). I think this is one area people can and should be using their own judgment, their own talents and penchants and gifts, and so on.
I just know that I'm not one who's capable of using my knowledge of adoption ethics to actually adopt ethically. I couldn't stomach it, period. My knowledge will have to be put to some other use.
Point taken. I should clarify that I don’t believe working inside the system is the most effective way as a rule; I meant to say that is where I personally often feel the most effective. (I realize I totally didn't communicate that the way I said it above.) Those who take strong oppositional stands are vitally important to any justice movement. It seems change usually comes once there are people on the outside and inside working toward similar goals. The civil rights movement, to pick up your example, benefited from prophetic outside voices (like MLK) and eventually also those on the inside who effected changes like the Civil Rights Act. The two groups benefited from one another, even though there was also conflict between them.
My own struggle in adoption is how to apply that on a personal level. How much would my personal protest make a difference? How much does my attempt at ethical adoption make a difference? I don’t feel like I have found the answers to those questions yet.
Heather,
Ahhh. That changes things. Yes, I agree that different people are most effective in different roles... which is why I said people do need to take into account their own gifts, talents, abilities... when deciding how to use their knowledge.
How much of what we do makes a difference? It's unlikely we'll ever know, IMO. But... in general... I think it's a bigger difference than we realize. Every time I start feeling like "What the heck am I doing? Blogging? How does that effect any change?"... something happens that reminds me--yes, it does matter: an expectant parent counselor writes to me and tells me she is reading to help her be a better pregnancy counselor; a non-triad member emails me and says they've got practically zero personal connection to adoption, but they've been reading what we say and are horror-stricken at how a woman's rights issue of this magnitude has been swept under the rug; a potential adoptive parent writes and says they are proceeding with their adoption with an entirely new mindset because of what they've read; a mom who had an unplanned pregnancy comes back to a forum she visited long ago, while pregnant, and declares it is something she read on that forum that helped her choose parenting.
We DO make a difference. A bigger one than we know about.
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